New London

It glowed with eerie light in the lint like snow that was falling, all chrome, mylar, and multi-hue's of neon, in 80's retro-diner. It was off the wrong exit in Fishkill. That's how I knew what it was...one of the prerequisites, illogical placement.

It was my first encounter with a Time Warp Drive...powered by a Passion Coupler fueled by the infinite power of Obsessive Perplexity. It's rather simple really. The theory is called Anti-Siren and is as old as time and much more powerful than the Siren theory it was originally based on. Numerous Adam's Bistro Drives have already been revamped by simply taking a step to the right.

As you may recall, the Greeks invented the original Siren theory to collect maritime salvage claims by causing vessels to crash into the rocks off their island. The theory worked this way: men are obsessively attracted to women who sing the truth. Sadly this attraction was only suitable to power small wooden boats, and frequently required supplemental rowing.

The Anti-Siren theory is equally simple, it works this way: A man's brain will develop a time warping obsession with any woman who ignores, misconstrues, or misrepresents what he says. Interestingly, the power of the obsession is geometrically adversely proportional to the meaningfulness of the conversation.

Nell and Columbia are waitresses (actually the engineers that run the Time Warp Drive) in the Fishkill Off The Wrong Exit Retro-Diner. Another element of the Drive is the curious relationship between men and waitresses. That strange juxtaposition where waitresses think they are all powerful god-like creatures, well, at least interceding saints as they shuttle between the expectant and God in the kitchen. Men foolishly think they are there to serve their every need and whim, to wait on them, chattel. This is only a minor steering mechanism to the Drive, but, an example of its simplicity.

I watched the classic maneuver to unlatch from the dock. Columbia went to take an order from a rather large and uncouth truck driver from Alabama. Nell asked, "watcha want, hun?" The driver replied "Sweet hart, I want you. How much you cost?" Columbia replied, "Right...coffee?" "Yep...chicken fried steak, French fries, and biscuits", the trucker said with a condescending smile.

Columbia went and talked about her upcoming 4th divorce with Nell. About ten minutes into the count down she placed the order with the chef. Returning to the driver at precisely the departure time specified by mission control, 35 minutes later, She placed the cold half-chicken, onion rings and rye toast before the unsuspecting male person. The dim witted dude responded as on cue, "What the hell is this...this ain't what I ordered." And the command, that command as well known across the universe today, as "unfurl the main", or "engage" that was given in times gone by rang out authoratively: "huh?" . The ship began its slow entry into the time vortex.

Little Nell was the primary navigator. It was her job to start the time drive and to compute the difference between the request and the response. A young Baptist minister came to the counter "Could you help me? I'm lost. How does one find the Buddhist temple near Beacon?" he asked. Nell entered the coordinates(as far removed from the reality as required to reach Beta Orionis in a heartbeat) , "Ever been cornered by an angry drunk? If you just take it they eventually shut up and you survive. You just have to sit on the couch quietly and listen..then you get to go. And here the same thing." The young preacher's brain instantly went into overdrive as the gears shifted from perplexity to obsession. What planet was she on?.. "I really don't understand", he surmised, his brain nearly expoding. She commanded, "huh?" The ship was deep into Orion circling a small planet in Rigel system.